Saving Daddy's Soulmate

My Journey of Forgiveness

About Me

He called me his soulmate ~ a name I never liked, but then there was a lot about my Dad that I didn’t like.  He’s dead now, over a year, and so I think it’s time that I tell his story.  He would have liked that ~ he was all about telling others’ stories and even his own.  But not the darkside of his story.  No, those secrets were kept within the family.  In fact, we never discussed it with him.  We just all pretended.

I’m tired of pretending.  I’m choking on knowledge, pain and secrets that sickened me 10 years ago and I won’t let it happen again.  So I’m saving me, Saving Daddy’s Soulmate, and hopefully I can shed the darkness that surrounds my soul.  I appreciate any and all support, advice and love that you can spare.  I’ve tried therapy, but there are never enough hours.  I’ve tried writing a book and a journal, but it didn’t work out.  I need to be safe, to tell my story with anonymity but with the hope that perhaps I can touch your heart as well and to heal you too.  So please join me on my Journey of Forgiveness and airing out the stories where he put the fun in dysfunctional.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…”
-Elizabeth Gilbert

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11 responses to “About Me

  1. dennie2356 says:

    Hi-
    This is heartbreaking. I don’t know the details of your history, but can make an intelligent guess. I’ve found help through AlAnon and Adult Children of Alcoholics, although my parents weren’t alcoholics by definition. They displayed many of the “isms.” Dysfunction with a capital D.
    Keep writing-you do it beautifully. Don’t lose hope, you’re stronger than you know.
    I’ll be following.
    Dennie

  2. dennie2356 says:

    You’re welcome. Hang in there.

  3. dennie2356 says:

    Hi, again-,
    I wanted to thank you for your post that included the clip from “The Price of Tides.” My husband and I watched it last night-I’d never seen it before. I thought about you. I thought about the secrets we keep and how they enslave us.
    You are not alone. We all have issues-every one of us is fucked up to some degree. It’s part of the Human Condition.I shared that sentiment on Friday night while I chaired an Al Anon meeting, and talked about the gratitude I have for that meeting, my AA and my ACOA.
    I’d suggest to you again to look for a meeting where you can be with others who understand, listen, and don’t judge.It helps.
    I think of you often and keep you in my prayers. Maybe one day we’ll meet.
    You’re going to be okay….

    • Please know how much I appreciate you Dennie. Tears are running down my face as I write to you. I awoke this morning feeling so sad and misunderstood and there was your message to me. A beacon of light and hope when I awoke in darkness. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be ~ is ok. I will hold onto your message ~ you’re going to be ok. Thank you for your kindness. I do hope we meet. I’d love to give you a hug right now.

  4. dennie2356 says:

    Phew!
    I woke up worrying you might think I was a stalker and that I shouldn’t have put the “meet you” part in.There are so many nut jobs out there (that make us look REALLY okay!) and sometimes it’s scary wondering who to trust.
    So I’m glad you took my comments as they were intended-sincere and heartfelt.
    I was just going to give you my email address for private communication, then I realized anyone could see it.Not sure if WP has a “message” thing like FB. and I’m a little leery to give you my FB for the same reason.
    I’ll figure something out.
    Keep writing.
    xxoo

  5. rhondasblogs says:

    Okay, you two. I need some of this love too! I just started a third blog to record my inner demons as well. We all have them. Some are horrible and unimaginable. And when we look at our own, we can’t compare with others’ demons and think ours are less horrible or debilitating. Internalizing rules our lives with the bad stuff and does lead to addictions. I have been dealing with this with my son. I’m hoping doing a blog for him, about him, about what happened to him, about his alcoholism and journey to the brink of death and my biggest hope, his journey to recovery. I’m hoping it will help me as well, to deal with the fear, oh yes, especially the FEAR, the guilt of “what if….”, and make friends with others having similar demons. It helps having a community. I know my son needs that, because I can only do so much through my love and support. I’m in the process of learning about alcoholism and I am looking at going to al anon with my daughter-in-law. You ladies are special. Thanks for being in the “community of blogging”. We all have something to say…

    • Rhonda, take care of you first and foremost, then take care of him. That’s what I’m learning for myself thought it’s definitely not how I was taught. Oh yes, please feel free to connect ~ that’s what we are here for ~ we make our own special community in order to help each other to heal. Big hugs to you. ♥

  6. cptsd2013 says:

    I just stumbled upon your blog by searching the topic ‘childhood trauma’. I’ve started a blog this week and the sharing, reading and talking about it really does help. It pains me to my heart to see others suffering the same way or even worse. I feel like I want to grab you all, take everybody’s hand, and climb to the top together, because I believe 100% we can and we will. Though I learned you gotta make the climb on your own, there’s nothing wrong with sharing. I think its wonderful how you’re opening up about everything, sharing your story, helping others. Because you are helping me.The last paragraph, where you quote the definition of a soulmate really hit me. Its so true. Thanks!
    Every blog I read here on wordpress.com, wether its ‘depressing’ or positive (I do believe they go hand in hand, to be positive you’ve got to accept what happend and the pain its caused), turns on a light on the ‘dark’ road I’m walking on. I feel less alone, accepted, understood, supported. Thank you!

    • Forgive me for not having written back. I abandoned the blog for awhile because I couldn’t handle everything. I am determined to heal and would love to climb to the top with all who are hurting and you! Thank you. I will check out your blog today.

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