Saving Daddy's Soulmate

My Journey of Forgiveness

I’m All Alone

on January 22, 2014

IMG_0635I’m all alone here.  I can’t share this with anyone for fear of it getting back to society where these things aren’t suppose to go on even though they do.  It’s not the physical abuse which hurts, it’s the emotional abuse.  He was the puppeteer, manipulating situations and us (Mom, Sissy and me) so that he could be the King of the household and also be the savior.  Hit me, beat me and when I am down, crying, weakened ~ hold me, gather me up into your lap and press my head against your chest as I sob.  Run your fingers through my hair as I hyperventilate.  Scream for my Mom to leave us alone as you calm me down, whispering your words in my ear softly, with such a soothing tone that I forgive you.  Because you hit me for my own good.

WTF?

And now, when I’ve confronted my Mom who by the way, he never hit, she remembers nothing.  She’s blocked the ugliness as I did.  She forgave him for what he did because he came from an abusive home.  That makes sense to her.  He did what was done to him because it’s all he knew.  Somehow that doesn’t equate for me.  I came from abuse and yet I’ve never hit anyone in my life.  I’m no pansy, but there’s no way I will abuse my children in order to show my power and to exert my strength over others.

Nope.  To me, there’s no excuse for it.  And I don’t forgive him ~ or myself.  And her blind allegiance isn’t getting her any points either.

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7 responses to “I’m All Alone

  1. Dennie says:

    You are not alone.

  2. Lori Lara says:

    You’re never alone. Never. That’s the first lie of abuse.

    Keep walking through it. The light is just ahead of the pain. Speaking the truth, the whole truth, and every nitty gritty part of the truth allows you to go back for yourself.

    This is very deep work. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it.

    • Thank you. Your support means so much. The truth is the hardest part even though I know what it is. But to speak it, allow it to be heard is what holds me back. I appreciate you.

      • Lori Lara says:

        Emptying yourself of the poisonous beliefs and replacing them with the truth takes courage. You’re doing the hard work of recovery.

        Praying for peace and a felt presence. It will get easier. I promise.

        XO

  3. Denise Hisey says:

    It’s true we are often attracted to what’s familiar, which sounds like your mom was. Then there are those of us who are completely the opposite -and we would only protect, never ignore our children.
    I finally had to come to the realization my mom was surviving my dad in her own way, just as I was in my own way. It doesn’t excuse her lack of protection, but I’m more able to put my anger to rest about it. Maybe this will make some sense, or maybe it’s salt in the wound right now. It is not my intention to hurt you, only to share what’s helped on my journey.

    • Denise, your wise words make perfect sense to me. I blamed her for ages, but now I see that she did the best she could and she is still trying her best. Just because I’ve always had to be her mother as well as mother myself doesn’t mean that she’s any less. It’s sad but also humbling to know that there are others like you who reach out to help me. Thank you. I am so grateful.

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