Saving Daddy's Soulmate

My Journey of Forgiveness

Outside the Window, Only Cold

on January 20, 2014

004Outside the window, only cold.  Outside myself, only cold, inside myself, utter sadness.  It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  Perhaps that is best as I’ve been in a quandary for a long time now.  Today however, it’s like I’m seeing things for the first time.  I need help.  I realize now that the cluttered home in which I live isn’t helping me.  Nor is the guilt, shame and anxiety which plague me daily.  I’m having a hard time following things, it’s like I’m ADD and I’m not.  But it feels like it.  I start something only to jump to something else and then back again.  I can’t keep on a steady stream.  I feel pushed/pulled in all different directions.

I need healing.  I need a vacation from my life.  I’m not suicidal.  I’m just tired of carrying the woes and burdens of everyone else on my shoulders.  I want peace.  I want help.  I need nurturing.  So I came back to you.  In this safety net, I can just be myself.  Be open and free to speak as I need to without having to be so darn superficially fine.  It’s exhausting and I’m tired of living that lie.  So here I come to rest, to speak and to reaffirm that I’ve been hurt, abused and harmed and I’m still here.  I acknowledge that I need to heal what’s hurting even though it’s already dead and get myself back in a peaceful place.

Since September I’ve been dragging my life around, not happy, just hurt.  To meet me you wouldn’t know I feel like a victim (a word I loathe) as I hide my unhappiness quite well.  But I am tired of living this way.  I need an outlet again which was what my blog gave to me.  So here I am.  I hope you will know that you are loved here and that here is a place of healing.  I used to be an anorexic and now I just overeat all the time.  I stuff down my feelings through food.  I am overweight which I abhor and I can’t stand the sight of myself.  So I need your help.  Thank you.


4 responses to “Outside the Window, Only Cold

  1. Dennie says:

    My breath caught in my throat when my inbox showed a post from you. At first I thought it was just a response to an old post, but then I saw—horray!–you’re back! I’d almost given up on seeing anything else from you, and I was worried, but I tried to let it go because there was nothing I could do. Know that you were never entirely forgotten and I’m so happy to see you back.
    I feel awful because you sound so sad. I’ve been there, too, as you know. Keep writing-it will help. And I encourage you–again–to seek outside help. I remember telling you that Al-Anon has helped, but in the last year, I became part of an Adult Children of Alcoholics group, which, at first, I strongly resisted. My reasoning was that my parents weren’t alcoholics. But my AA/Al-Anon sponsor suggested–rightly so–that all families have a certain element of dysfunction, some more than others, as you know, and it should be called Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. That program has helped me more than I could ever have imagined.
    So I’m asking you to please, please consider outside help in those forms, or therapy, or even anti-depressants. Years ago, when I was in the pits of despair, I went to my GP and was diagnosed as “clinically depressed.” I was so upset that I couldn’t help myself out of it and his explanation was perfect. “This is an illness. If you had bronchitis, could you think yourself better? If you had pneumonia, could you think yourself better? No. You can’t do this by yourself.” And with that, he prescribed something that helped, but I also had to do a lot of “inside” work.
    It gets better, sweetie, but it takes time. Be gentle with yourself. You can do this.
    I’m so happy you wrote again!!!

    • Tears in my eyes when I read your note. What is it about our connection? I appreciate you Dennie. I will get help and look into the Al-Anon stuff. I decided to contact my old therapist and will start returning to talk with her. I think you are right that I’ve been depressed but I can’t take meds b/c I’ve tried before and I had severe side effects. Thank you for your support. You are truly my angel. Big hugs.

      • Dennie says:

        It’s okay to cry. I don’t know. Maybe we’re sisters of different parents. Something’s there, though.
        It’s good you’re going back to therapy…I hope she’s helped you in the past, if not, it’s also okay to find someone who will.
        I had side effects, too. It took a while to find the right one.
        I’ve not been doing anything with my blog…but I am writing. I’m going to make this the year I get published–in magazines. A book is way too big a chunk for me and I don’t feel like I can write made-up stuff. I do better with non-fiction. This week is my last of an on-line session I took for idea generation. I have trouble thinking of topics that might be interesting to an editor.Made some progress. It’s baby steps. Thank God I have a “real job”!
        You have no idea how relieved I am to see you back. I really was afraid something bad happened.
        Keep writing.

      • Thanks Dennie ~ I’m still here and happy that you are too! I love that you are taking a course and I know your articles will be great for the magazines. I started reading back on your blog as it feels good to reconnect. I think you should write what is interesting for you as it will be for others (including me). I live for baby steps. xo

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