Saving Daddy's Soulmate

My Journey of Forgiveness

Out of Mind, Out of Focus

on September 16, 2013

002There are days that I can focus on my life without him in it.  I can even go so far as to remember that I had a Dad, but not remember him.  Amazing how our brains can be motivated when we are shirking the truth.  Focus on the pretty life and not on the flower.  That’s what we did.

On the outside, as a family, we looked pretty good.  2 healthy daughters who made good grades, had good manners, grew up as expected.  We were taught to be grateful for what we had.  We lived in a well-off community, but we were middle of the road at best.  The black sheep of an affluent family name.

But as you know, what goes on behind the closed doors of the house is never told.

He’s the only man that’s ever hit me.  I tolerated it because as a child, I didn’t know better.  I revered him back then.  He made me feel special, even when he hit me.   My Mom doesn’t remember him hitting us.  She’s blocked it like she’s blocked so much of the pain.  It’s a wonder she’s still here.  Perhaps her weakening mind is because she withstood so much emotional abuse and now that it’s finally over, she can fall to pieces.

The last time he hit me, I was 16.  By then, he didn’t take down my pants, lay me over his lap while he lay on the bed and smack my bare ass with his hand.  That stopped by age 12 or so as far as I can remember.  Grounding began after that ~ first no tv, then no phone.  As I got older, it was not being able to see friends or go anywhere.  We called it prison block 56 after our address.  Because that’s where we lived, with a warden who had to have his own way all the time.

When I was 16, he reached across the kitchen table, pulled back his arm and made the grand gesture to slap me across the face.  Instead, he hit his head on the TIffany lamp with hung from the ceiling illuminating the table.  With that, he screamed in pain and sent me to my room.  I was grounded anyway so it made no difference to my day.

Except it made me smile to see him with a headache.


4 responses to “Out of Mind, Out of Focus

  1. Dennie says:

    Where ya been? You okay?

  2. Dennie says:

    Hi, it’s me again…..haven’t heard from you, no new posts…please let me know how you’re doing…..

    • Hey Dennie ~ had to take a break but I’m thinking of getting back into writing again. It was cathartic. I lost my password so now I’m back. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve appreciated your support.

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