Saving Daddy's Soulmate

My Journey of Forgiveness

You hurt the ones you love the most

on August 26, 2013

IMG_0650It’s like walking a tightrope these days.  Mom has forgotten who he was and misses him more everyday even though we’ve passed the magical one year mark since his death.  I thought it would get better and it has to a degree.  But the weekends are harder for her because he had closed off their world and they didn’t really socialize.

Sometimes I remember back at him over the last few years and I am sad.  He was a very vibrant man when he was at his peak.  When he was on, in front of a captive audience, he was the life of the party back in the day.  I remember how he was then.  I enjoyed him, sometimes.

But during those days too, he could be mean, all for the sake of a laugh at my expense.  He twisted things so that it served his purpose.  Sure he taught me to drive at age 11, I began working in his office at age 13.  By 14 I had my own checking account and was trained by him (his wording) to take over his business.

I wanted nothing to do with it ~ or with him.

I couldn’t trust him.  One minute he was my friend and the next, my enemy.  After so many years of ugliness, I have a hard time remembering how I once loved him so much.  How I loved to dance with him, to feel like I might be ‘Daddy’s Girl’ for a bit.  But then the ugliness is remembered and I’d rather be anything but.

He wasn’t very nice.  He had no self-control.  He rarely said sorry.  Many times he would tell me that ‘you hurt the ones you love the most’ and I would silently beg in my head to him, ‘don’t love me.’

But then he would always tell me I was his soulmate and all that it implies.

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