Saving Daddy's Soulmate

My Journey of Forgiveness

Choking My Life

on August 25, 2013

vinetree

It wasn’t his partner, but his lover. I simply couldn’t write lover the other day. Even now that he’s dead. You know, we knew all about his other life for about 10 years before he died and we never said a word. I don’t know how that happened. There just was never the right time to say, ‘hey Dad, I know.’ I actually did say to him that we accepted all of him at their 40th wedding anniversary. Sissy was appalled and dragged me from the table. She didn’t want me to open up that can of worms that night.

But we never said another word about it. In fact, in Mom’s recall, when he was crying on the couch after being jilted by his lover and hanging his head in disappointment and shame, she held him and then led him back upstairs to their bed because she didn’t want to the girls to know. And she’s told us that she never once talked about it with him again. She never asked who HE was and Dad never told.

There were others along the way as well. He wasn’t a one woman man nor a one man man and we knew. In high school, the anorexia returned for me in full force probably because by then, there were reports of him wearing an earring, hanging at the gay beach etc. All the while, Mom stayed mum about it all and just carried on as if he wasn’t traipsing about town gaily.

I never realized the toll it took on me until I actually said/wrote it in my last post. It’s like there’s a small lifting of pain. Perhaps a layer of guilt, shame, ugliness has been lifted, althought there is more to the story of Daddy’s Soulmate. It’s just I have to get up the courage to tell you. There are snippets of strange memories that I have of us that don’t make sense in my mind.

I’m getting a headache. I need to lie down. It’s like the vines are choking me ~ hence the picture.

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2 responses to “Choking My Life

  1. dennie2356 says:

    Keep going…you’re doing great.

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