Saving Daddy's Soulmate

My Journey of Forgiveness

Under the Sea

on August 21, 2013

IMG_0657When you look down to the bottom of the sea, you see clear water, right?  Right.  But you miss the millions of organisms in the water, the tiny fish that are quite invisible to the naked eye above the sea.  Put your goggles on, hop in the water and look below the surface and you will see an entire lifetime that isn’t as it was on the surface.

That’s what I knew about my Dad.

But then, isn’t that the way we all are ~ on the surface, we are whom you want us to be.  But dig a bit deeper, put on your scuba gear and voila, the scenery may change.  It may get murkier than it looks from the surface.

Look at me and you’ll see a wife, mom, daughter and friend.  Dig deeper and you may see the surface scars from my illness, my survival.  Get under the hood so to speak, into my mind and you’ll find the murky parts of me.  The ones that hide scars unseen by the human eye.  The scars that I never wanted to pick at until now ~ I want to pick at them, make them bleed so that they can heal properly.

Too many years of pretending makes it hard though.  It’s a struggle these days for me to deal with everything.  My Mom misses him everyday and has become a bit incapacitated even though it’s been over a year.  I’ve become him to her.  I do everything but grocery shop, cook and clean.  I’m in charge ~ my role hasn’t changed since childhood.

I am still the mother, even though I am the daughter but I have mothered them all since my sister was born when I was 3 1/2 years old.  I won’t leave her side.  I’ll be with Mom until her end (or mine).  But I need closure.  I need peace within.  I need the murky parts to be cleaned out so that I can see myself crystal clear.

We’re all complicated, but his secrets denied us freedom.  And when he died, he left those secrets, heavy in our hearts.  I don’t want to drown.  I want to live.

Prepare yourself.  This may be a bumpy ride.  Got a life preserver?  I need an extra.


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