Saving Daddy's Soulmate

My Journey of Forgiveness

Do I Stay or Do I Go Now?

on August 20, 2013


For the few last nights, I haven’t been able to sleep for thinking that even though I haven’t revealed the secrets, is it safe to do so?  I mean, not that he’s anyone special or well-known at all because he’s not.  But what if we knew eachother?  Would you now look down upon me for spilling my thoughts on a blog?  Or for telling what was a private matter?

Could I be creating a rift in my family if someone should find my blog?  Am I safe here?  Is anyone safe?

Should I let secret dogs lie?  I know it’s sleeping, but this is my blog ~ writer’s embellishment!

I haven’t gone too far yet.  But what I wanted to accomplish was I wanted to get it out of my mind, heart, body and move on.  Hell, isn’t that the least of things I can get from his death?  A bit of release now that he’s not calling me all the time and bugging me?  Of course, as he loved to put it, ‘ the next son-of-a-bitch will take care of everything when I’m gone, so I’m not worrying about anything’ and true to his word, he didn’t.  And here I am.  The caretaker of everything he left behind.  He left a legacy of inspiration to others outside the family unit ~ and a messy, guilt-ridden, ugly one at home.

But I bet that he did worry.  I’m sure he was tortured in that hospital bed when he was on the ventilator and paralyzed.  I know he could hear us but he could not communicate with us at all.  For him, I’m sure that was torture, knowing that he had tons of stuff hiding and if he didn’t make it out, then we would know for sure, stuff that he had tried to hide.  But when he was lucid, he couldn’t bring himself to tell his friends enough so that they could get rid of it for him.  So I found it.  I doubt he ever wanted me to find it.  But I did.

And that’s not even the worst of it.


6 responses to “Do I Stay or Do I Go Now?

  1. Hi! I’m nominating you for a Liebster Award. Here is your nomination:



  2. dennie2356 says:

    Go ahead, honey. Write it. I see you’ve looked through a lot of my stuff. My husband reads it all and has questioned whether he would be so candid. But I arrived at the point where I didn’t care. My feelings are valid, as are yours. And it appears you have not yet realized that you’ve done nothing wrong. You are innocent. But you are protecting your father’s secrets and you have allowed yourself to be appointed family caregiver. That’s not your role, and hopefully, through this beautiful blog of yours you will come to realize that and set yourself free. You’re here to live your life, as a wife, mom, friend….and you’re already taking those steps.
    Be patient, and give yourself time. It will come. I promise.

    • Dennie, thank you. Your story inspired me & I kept reading because quite frankly, I couldn’t stop. Thanks for being so courageous. I am following your lead.

      • dennie2356 says:

        Don’t follow me, brave girl….you have your own path….you can do this….one day at a time…just go slow….When I first came into AA, I heard this all the time; “You walked ten miles into the woods, you have to walk ten miles to get out.” I’m a visual learner and even in the fog of those early years, I could understand that message. I needed those “miles” to figure myself out. It’s a journey, and I’ll be learning until I no longer walk this earth.
        I’m really happy you found my blog and that we connected. It’s very cool. — Signs, like you said.

      • My gratefulness is overflowing. Thank you. I will forge my own path, but it’s such a blessing to know that there are others who have been here in the woods.

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